When the truth is found to be lies
And all the joy within you dies
Don’t you want somebody to love
Don’t you need somebody to love
Wouldn’t you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love...
Grace Slick
Friday, February 20, 2009
Same Sex = Same Violence
“There’s a surprise for you outside your door. Go look out the window.” The message gave me the creeps. But, I had to look. Preston was standing there. In the dark. Holding a bouquet of flowers. I didn’t know it yet, but he knew just how to conceal his madness. The next thing I remember is kneeling down in front of a water faucet trying to wash the blood off my face. I was bleeding and I was nearly naked. I started to cry and I started to walk. Nowhere in particular. Just away. Away from him. Away from everything. I had been through too much. First HIV, and now this...
This is how I begin, “GOODBYE PRESTON”. It is a tale about sexual obsession, domestic violence, and rape. It’s also a story about a sacred mission. A true story about how I agreed to participate in an abusive relationship. And, how I got out!
The purpose of this story is to help people remember they have options by describing my own. I was not alone when I began my journey. There were others there, too. Just like me. Waiting to be controlled.
This is also a story about all of us who grew up with the knowledge that we were alive for a purpose. For those of us living, and dying with life threatening illnesses. And, for anyone who has ever been involved with domestic violence.
This story is explicitly sexual, graphically violent, deeply moving, and ultimately uplifting. Written with an open mind and an open heart. I understand that nobody wants to talk about same gender partner abuse and rape. But, I hope that, if we do, we can cast a light on a darkness that doesn’t need to exist. It’s a story that needs to be told. Domestic violence occurs in gay & lesbian relationships, too!
Sincerely,
iMarko
This is how I begin, “GOODBYE PRESTON”. It is a tale about sexual obsession, domestic violence, and rape. It’s also a story about a sacred mission. A true story about how I agreed to participate in an abusive relationship. And, how I got out!
The purpose of this story is to help people remember they have options by describing my own. I was not alone when I began my journey. There were others there, too. Just like me. Waiting to be controlled.
This is also a story about all of us who grew up with the knowledge that we were alive for a purpose. For those of us living, and dying with life threatening illnesses. And, for anyone who has ever been involved with domestic violence.
This story is explicitly sexual, graphically violent, deeply moving, and ultimately uplifting. Written with an open mind and an open heart. I understand that nobody wants to talk about same gender partner abuse and rape. But, I hope that, if we do, we can cast a light on a darkness that doesn’t need to exist. It’s a story that needs to be told. Domestic violence occurs in gay & lesbian relationships, too!
Sincerely,
iMarko
Goodbye, Preston
Part I:
WE MET IN A DOORWAY. HE WAS COMING IN AND I WAS GOING OUT. OUR EYES MET AND IT FELT LIKE MAGIC. I LOST MY BREATH AND STOPPED IN MY TRACKS. I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE IF I STOOD THERE LONG ENOUGH HE WOULD TURN AROUND AND COME OUT. HE MUST HAVE FELT WHAT I FELT. IT WAS A PSYCHIC RECOGNITION. LIKE WE HAD KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A LONG, LONG, TIME. I WOULD NOT LEAVE WITHOUT MEETING HIM. I KNEW THAT I COULD NOT LET THIS ONE GET AWAY.
WHEN HE DIDN’T COME OUT I WENT BACK IN AND POSITIONED MYSELF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. I TRIED NOT TO BE OBVIOUS, BUT I WAS. I THOUGHT THAT HE LOOKED LIKE HE MIGHT BE MEAN. MY INSTINCTS ARE ALMOST ALWAYS RIGHT. I DISMISSED THE THOUGHT.
HE ASKED ME WHAT MY NAME WAS AND CAME HOME WITH ME THAT NIGHT. MY LIFE WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME.
THE FOLLOWING NIGHT I GOT HOME FROM WORK AROUND 11:30 PM. I GOT UNDRESSED AND BEGAN LISTENING TO THE MESSAGES I HAD RECEIVED THAT DAY. THE FIRST TWO MESSAGES WERE FROM FRIENDS JUST CALLING TO SAY HELLO. THE THIRD MESSAGE WAS FROM PRESTON. “THERE’S A SURPRISE FOR YOU OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR. GO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.”
THE MESSAGE GAVE ME THE CREEPS. I FELT AS THOUGH I WERE BEING WATCHED. BUT, I HAD TO LOOK. I HADN’T NOTICED ANYTHING UNUSUAL ON MY WAY IN. WHAT COULD I HAVE MISSED? WHAT COULD BE OUT THERE? I WENT TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKED OUT. PRESTON WAS STANDING THERE. IN THE DARK. HOLDING A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS. I DIDN’T KNOW IT YET BUT HE KNEW JUST HOW TO CONCEAL HIS MADNESS. JUST LIKE THE BIG BAD WOLF DID TO LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. BUT, THIS WAS NO FAIRY TALE. THIS WAS MY LIFE.
HOW SWEET, I THOUGHT. THIS GUY MUST REALLY LIKE ME. IT HAD BEEN SEVERAL YEARS SINCE MY LAST REAL RELATIONSHIP. FOR THE FIRST TIME, IN A LONG TIME, I FELT THAT FINALLY SOMEONE THAT I WAS INTERESTED IN WAS JUST AS INTERESTED IN ME. I ASKED HIM IN AND WE SPENT ANOTHER WONDERFUL NIGHT TOGETHER. WE IMMEDIATELY BECAME INSEPARABLE AND AFTER THREE MONTHS OF NEVER BEING APART I “OFFICIALLY” ASKED HIM TO MOVE IN.
HE WAS CHARMING. HE WAS BEAUTIFUL. HE WAS FUNNY. AND HE WAS VERY NICE. “I’M SO LUCKY” I TOLD MYSELF. “NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I’LL NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT HIM. I’LL ALWAYS BE HIS FRIEND”
IT WASN’T LONG AFTER HE OFFICIALLY MOVED IN THAT I DISCOVERED THAT PRESTON WAS INTO BONDAGE. HE LOVED TO TIE ME UP. HE WOULD GET SO EXITED BY IT THAT I INITIALLY FOUND IT TO BE RATHER AMUSING.
HE HAD A SUBSCRIPTION TO “BOUND AND GAGGED” MAGAZINE AND HE LIKED TO ACT OUT THE SCENES AND SCENARIOS THAT WERE DESCRIBED IN THE “TRUE LIFE STORY” SECTION. I DIDN’T MIND. IT WAS FUN. I LIKED BEING ABLE TO PLEASE HIM SO MUCH. IT STARTED OFF SLOW AND GRADUALLY BEGAN TO EXPAND. HE WOULD RESTRAIN ME MORE AND MORE AS TIME WENT ON. I WAS PRETTY GOOD AT GETTING LOOSE AND IT BEGAN TO INFURIATE HIM WHENEVER I WOULD FREE MYSELF AND TURN THE TABLES. TO ME IT WAS A GAME. SOMETHING TO PLAY FOR FUN, EXCITEMENT, AND VARIETY. TO PRESTON, IT WAS MUCH, MUCH, MORE. THE RESTRAINTS BEGAN TO GET TIGHTER AND MORE ELABORATE. HE BEGAN TO GAG ME AND BLINDFOLD MY EYES. EVENTUALLY, HE REFUSED TO HAVE SEX ANY OTHER WAY. HE BEGAN TO VERBALLY INSULT ME AND HUMILIATE ME IN THE BEDROOM AND THEN ACT AS THOUGH I WAS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE DURING THE DAY.
WE CONTINUED TO HAVE IT HIS WAY EVEN THOUGH I WAS BECOMING MORE AND MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. IT WASN’T FUN FOR ME ANYMORE BUT I STILL LOVED HIM. I WANTED OUR RELATIONSHIP TO LAST. I HAD TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE HIV VIRUS ONLY THREE MONTHS BEFORE I MET PRESTON. I DIDN’T THINK I WAS GOING TO LIVE VERY MUCH LONGER AND I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE ALONE.
I ALSO DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE HIV SPEECH EVERY TIME I WANTED TO SLEEP WITH SOMEBODY. I WAS WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK.
THIS WAS 1991. MOST OF MY FRIENDS HAD ALREADY DIED. MY NEW FRIENDS WERE GETTING SICK. I WAS DEPRESSED. I WAS TERRIFIED. I FELT HELPLESS. PRESTON WAS NOT INFECTED. I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE HIM. I STARTED TO DRINK - A LOT. AND USE DRUGS - A LITTLE. JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP MY MIND AND SPIRIT FROM BEING CLEAR ABOUT WHAT WAS REALLY HAPPENING. I HAD LOST TOO MANY FRIENDS AND LOVERS PREMATURELY THROUGH AIDS. I WASN’T ABOUT TO LET THIS RELATIONSHIP END JUST BECAUSE OF SOMEBODY’S NEUROTIC BEHAVIOR. I FELT LIKE THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO OR COULD HAVE DONE TO FIGHT THE 100% FATAL DISEASE OF AIDS. I DID THINK THERE WERE THINGS THAT COULD BE DONE TO HELP SOMEBODY WHO WAS JUST FUCKED UP IN THEIR HEAD. UNFORTUNATELY, THINGS JUST KEPT GETTING WORSE.
I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH WHEN ONE SUNDAY AFTERNOON I CAUGHT PRESTON MAKING OUT WITH HIS SO CALLED “FRIEND” LENNY.
I WAS SICK. I HAD THE FLU FROM HELL. I THOUGHT I MIGHT POSSIBLY BE DYING. I WANTED PRESTON TO STAY HOME AND HANG OUT WITH ME. HE WANTED TO GO OUT. HE MADE PLANS TO MEET SOME FRIENDS AT THE FAULTLINE FOR THEIR SUNDAY BEERBUST. HE SAID I COULD COME WITH HIM, BUT, I WAS TOO SICK. HE LEFT AND I GOT STONED.
SUDDENLY, I BEGAN TO FEEL A LOT BETTER. I GOT IN THE CAR AND DROVE TO THE BAR. WHAT THE FUCK. IF I’M GOING TO DIE I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS I CAN. BESIDES, THE FRESH AIR WILL DO ME GOOD.
THE FAULTLINE HAS AN OUTDOOR PATIO AND IT WAS A NICE DAY. WHEN I GOT THERE I SAW PRESTON AND LENNY MAKING OUT, HEAVILY, IN THE BACK OF THE PATIO.
PRESTON HAD JUST GOTTEN HIS NIPPLE PIERCED, WITHOUT TELLING ME, AND I WASN’T ALLOWED TO TOUCH IT. IT WAS NOT HEALING PROPERLY AND WAS PAINFUL TO PRESTON WHENEVER I TOUCHED IT. BUT, THERE WAS LENNY, PULLING AND TWISTING ON THE RING WHILE PRESTON MOANED, “OH, YEAH!” HIS ENTIRE CHEST WAS BLACK AND BLUE. I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN THAT I FELT.
FIRST, I WANTED TO FIGHT. THEN, I WANTED TO RUN. I DIDN’T DO EITHER. I WALKED RIGHT UP TO HIM AND JUST STOOD THERE. LIKE I HAD DONE THE FIRST NIGHT WE MET. HE SAW ME AND SAID “OH HI, HONEY.” LIKE HE WAS EXPECTING ME. I LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AND TOLD HIM IT WAS OVER. “GOOD BYE, PRESTON.” I SAID. THEN I TURNED AROUND AND LEFT. MY HEART WAS BROKEN.
LATER THAT NIGHT, AFTER PRESTON GOT HOME, I UNLEASHED MY FURY. I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER BEEN SO BRUTAL AND SO ELOQUENT AT THE SAME TIME. EVERY WORD WAS PERFECT. MY ATTACK WAS BRILLIANT. I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY.
I KNEW HOW TO HURT HIM. IF HE LIKED PAIN HE MUST HAVE BEEN IN HEAVEN. I WANTED TO HURT HIM. I WANTED HIM TO UNDERSTAND FULLY THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS. IT WAS WORKING.
HE LOOKED PATHETIC. HIS MOUTH WAS HANGING OPEN. THE BLOOD WAS DRAINING FROM HIS FACE. I THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE GOING TO PASS OUT. HE DIDN’T.
THE NEXT THING I KNEW HE WAS STANDING OVER ME. I WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH AND SUDDENLY HE WAS STRADDLING MY LEGS. HE RAISED HIS RIGHT HAND AND HIT ME IN THE FACE. WITH THE BACK OF HIS HAND. BEFORE I COULD GET UP HE HIT ME AGAIN. THIS TIME WITH THE BACK OF HIS LEFT HAND. HARD. I NEW I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE APARTMENT. MY WHOLE HEAD WAS NUMB AND I TASTED BLOOD.
I JUST WANTED TO GET TO THE FRONT DOOR. ALL I HAD ON WAS MY UNDERWEAR. I LUNGED FORWARD. PUSHING HIM BACK. BUT, BEFORE I COULD GET AROUND HIM HE HIT ME AGAIN. THIS TIME WITH HIS FIST. THE FORCE WAS SO HARD THAT I WAS KNOCKED INTO AND THROUGH OUR FRONT PICTURE WINDOW. I WAS HANGING HALF IN AND HALF OUT OF THE FUCKING WINDOW! MY RIGHT HAND AND THE TOP HALF OF MY BODY, INCLUDING MY HEAD, HAD BROKEN THROUGH THE GLASS. NOW, NOT ONLY DID I TASTE BLOOD, I SAW IT. EVERYWHERE. IT WAS DRIPPING DOWN FROM SOMEWHERE ON MY FACE. MY HAND WAS CUT, BADLY. THERE WAS A SHARD OF GLASS STICKING OUT OF THE PALM OF MY HAND.
I ALMOST CONTINUED TO CLIMB ALL OF THE WAY OUT OF THE WINDOW.
I WAS AFRAID TO PULL MYSELF BACK INSIDE. THERE WERE STILL SHARDS OF SHARP BROKEN GLASS ALL AROUND THE TOP HALF OF MY BODY AND I WAS DIZZY.
LUCKILY, THE SIGHT AND SOUND OF MY FALLING THROUGH THE GLASS MUST HAVE FRIGHTENED PRESTON. I SENSED THAT HE HAD BACKED OFF SO I SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY PULLED MYSELF BACK THROUGH THE BROKEN WINDOW, BACK INTO OUR LIVING ROOM, AND OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.
THE NEXT THING I REMEMBER IS KNEELING DOWN IN FRONT OF A WATER FAUCET AND TRYING TO WASH THE BLOOD OFF MY FACE. BUT, MY HAND WAS BLEEDING, TOO. I NEEDED A BANDAGE. I NEEDED HELP. I WANTED TO GET INTO MY CAR AND DRIVE AWAY BUT MY KEYS WERE IN MY PANTS AND MY PANTS WERE INSIDE OF THE APARTMENT. I WAS PISSED. I WAS BLEEDING. I WAS NEARLY NAKED. I DIDN’T DARE GO BACK INSIDE. NOT BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID. I JUST DIDN’T WANT HIM TO FEEL MY PRESENCE NEAR HIM EVER AGAIN. THE SACRED BOND WE HAD SHARED HAD BEEN SEVERED. THE SEVERANCE WAS AS REAL AND AS TANGIBLE IN THE PHYSICAL SENSE AS WERE ANY OF THE CUTS ON MY BODY. AND TEN TIMES MORE PAINFUL. I STARTED TO CRY AND I STARTED TO WALK. NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR. JUST AWAY. AWAY FROM HIM. AWAY FROM EVERYTHING. I HAD BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH. FIRST HIV, AND NOW THIS.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, WE BROKE UP. PRESTON MOVED TO SAN FRANCISCO AND I GOT ON WITH MY LIFE. OR, SO, I THOUGHT. I WOULDN’T HAVE BELIEVED IT THEN, BUT WE WOULD BE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN WITHIN A YEAR. AND THINGS WOULD GET WORSE. MUCH WORSE.
Part II
IT WAS RIGHT FOR ME TO LEAVE HIM. BUT, IT DIDN’T MAKE ME HAPPY. I FELT LIKE A FAILURE. NOTHING WAS GOING RIGHT. PRESTON WAS GONE. WE HAD SEPARATED OURSELVES BY DISTANCE. BUT I COULD STILL FEEL HIS PRESENCE. HE WAS STILL BREATHING RIGHT DOWN MY NECK AND I HATED IT. NO MATTER WHAT I DID I COULDN’T GET RID OF HIM HIS FACE WAS IMPLANTED IN MY MIND LIKE A HOLOGRAPHIC IMAGE. PERFECT IN EVERY DETAIL. HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. SOMETIMES I COULD EVEN SMELL HIM!
I TRIED EVERYTHING I COULD TO OCCUPY MY MIND. TO FORGET ABOUT HIM. I WORKED SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. I READ EVERY BOOK I COULD FIND BY DEPAK CHOPRA AND MARIANNE WILLIAMSON AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAD BOOKS AT THE BODHI TREE BOOK STORE. I LEARNED AND BEGAN TO PRACTICE TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION. I DATED. I CHANGED MY DIET. I WORKED OUT. I WENT SHOPPING. NOTHING WORKED. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN GETTING BETTER. BUT, I WASN’T. I CRIED UNCONTROLLABLY. I FELT PHYSICALLY SICK. I WOULD DOUBLE OVER IN AGONY. SOMETIMES I WOULD FIND MYSELF CURLED UP TIGHT, IN A FETAL POSITION, SCREAMING.
SOMETHING WAS WRONG. TERRIBLY WRONG. I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING MY MIND. OR WORSE. I KNEW. I KNEW, SOMETHING TERRIBLE WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AND I COULD NOT STOP IT. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAD CHANGED. BUT, IT WAS FAR FROM OVER. EVEN IF HE WOULD HAVE KILLED ME IT WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN OVER.
HE NEEDED ME. HIS SURVIVAL, AND POSSIBLY MINE, DEPENDED ON A REUNIFICATION. THAT’S WHAT I CAME TO BELIEVE. I HAD BEEN BROKEN.
I RETURNED ONE OF HIS PHONE CALLS. I DIDN’T SAY MUCH. I CERTAINLY DIDN’T TALK ABOUT WHAT HAD BEEN HAPPENING TO ME. I DIDN’T HAVE TO. I HAD BLINKED. I HAD THROWN THE BALL BACK INTO HIS COURT. AND THAT WAS ALL HE NEEDED. WITHOUT ACTUALLY SAYING THE WORDS I HAD GIVEN HIM PERMISSION. PERMISSION FOR WHAT? I DIDN’T EXACTLY KNOW. BUT I HAD CRACKED OPEN THE DOOR. A DOOR THAT SHOULD HAVE REMAINED SECURELY LOCKED. HE HAD GOTTEN ME TO OPEN THE DOOR ONCE BEFORE. NOW, HE HAD DONE IT AGAIN.
THIS TIME I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. I DID KNOW BETTER! BUT, I WAS POSSESSED. AND I WAS BEING SUMMONED. SUMMONED FROM A PLACE OF SUCH DARKNESS THAT I DIDN’T SEE IT. I WILLINGLY BEGAN TO OBEY. I TOLD HIM I WOULD BE COMING TO SAN FRANCISCO TO ATTEND THE FOLSOM STREET FAIR. MAYBE I WOULD SEE HIM THERE. “YEAH,” HE SAID. “I’LL BE THERE, TOO.”
SUDDENLY, I FELT A SENSE OF PURPOSE. I HAD A GOAL. SOMETHING TO WORK TOWARDS. I GOT EXCITED. I BEGAN TO FEEL BETTER. MAYBE WE CAN WORK THIS THING OUT? MAYBE HE’S BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH?
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST FORGIVE HIM? SURELY, HE’LL SEE THAT OUR LIFE TOGETHER WAS BETTER THAN ANYTHING HE HAD EVER HAD BEFORE. I’LL MAKE HIM WANT TO GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER. ONCE HE SEES ME AGAIN HE’LL REMEMBER HOW POWERFUL WE WERE TOGETHER. HE’LL BEG ME TO BRING HIM BACK HOME. MAYBE, I’LL LET HIM. BUT ONLY UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS. I FELT LIKE I WAS FINALLY BACK IN CONTROL. I WAS WRONG, AGAIN. I IGNORED THAT VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD THAT SAID “DON’T GO!” I HAVE ALWAYS LISTENED TO THAT VOICE. IT WAS ALWAYS RIGHT. IT STILL IS. I HAVE ALWAYS RELIED ON THAT VOICE FOR GUIDANCE AND PROTECTION. IT HAD NEVER LED ME IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. BUT, I IGNORED IT. INSTEAD, I SEEMED TO BE FOLLOWING A SCRIPT. LINE BY LINE. PAGE BY PAGE. ONE THAT I THOUGHT I WAS WRITING. I WASN’T.
WE AGREED TO MEET ON THE CORNER OF CASTRO AND MARKET. WHEN I ARRIVED IN SAN FRANCISCO I BOOKED A ROOM AT THE METRO HOTEL AND WALKED THE MILE AND A HALF TO WHERE MARKET AND CASTRO INTERSECT. PRESTON WAS THERE. WAITING. HE HAD SUMMONED ME AND I HAD COME. WE SPENT THE DAY TOGETHER HANGING OUT ON FOLSOM STREET AND TALKED ABOUT OUR DIFFERENCES.
IT WAS EASY TO CONSIDER OUR DIFFERENCES TO APPEAR MINOR IN A CROWD AS “DIVERSE” AS THE ONE WE WERE APART OF.
HE SAID HE WAS SORRY. THAT IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT. HE HAD BEEN GOING TO COUNSELING. HE SAID EVERYTHING HE KNEW I NEEDED TO HEAR. I TOLD HIM THAT I DIDN’T TRUST HIM ANYMORE. I DIDN’T THINK HE WOULD BE HAPPY WITHOUT LIVING OUT HIS BONDAGE FANTASIES. HE TOLD ME THAT IT WASN’T IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR IT TO RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP. I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO FUCK HIM MORE AND THAT I WANTED HIM TO GIVE ME MORE HEAD. HE SAID THAT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT WITH HIM. IF HE WAS TO COME BACK I WANTED IT TO BE ON MY TERMS. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT HIM SEEING OR TALKING TO LENNY. HE AGREED. OF COURSE, HE AGREED TO EVERYTHING.
WE WENT BACK TO THE METRO HOTEL THAT NIGHT AND MADE LOVE. REAL LOVE. HOT, PASSIONATE, “REGULAR” SEX. I EVEN GOT HIM OFF. WHICH WAS RARE UNLESS I WAS TIED UP. WE FELL ASLEEP IN EACH OTHERS ARMS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HE HAD THROWN ME THROUGH THE WINDOW. I WAS CONVINCES HE HAD CHANGED. PRESTON WAS COMING HOME.
IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG TO MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS. PRESTON GOT HIS OLD JOB BACK SELLING LINENS AT STROUDS. I WENT BACK UP TO SAN FRANCISCO AND RENTED A U-HAUL. WE PUT HIS FEW POSSESSIONS IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK AND HEADED HOME. HE DROVE THE WHOLE WAY.
MY FRIENDS HAD BEEN SUPPORTIVE WHEN I TOLD THEM PRESTON AND I WERE GETTING BACK TOGETHER. I COULD TELL THEY DIDN’T THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA. BUT, THEY RESPECTED MY DECISION AND LET ME KNOW THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. IT WAS AS IF THEY KNEW I WOULD NEED THEM LATER. THEY DID NOT KNOW THE DETAILS OF OUR SEX LIVES OR THE EXTENT OF OUR PROBLEMS. I HAD SPARED THEM THE GORY DETAILS, BUT THEY COULD SENSE THINGS WEREN’T AS THEY APPEARED. HE COULD NOT FOOL THEM THE WAY HE FOOLED ME. LATER, THEY WOULD SCOLD ME FOR NOT BEING COMPLETELY HONEST WITH THEM. THEY SAID IF THEY HAD KNOWN WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THEY WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SO WILLING TO ACCEPT HIM BACK INTO MY LIFE. THEY STILL DON’T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY. NOBODY DOES.
Part III
THINGS WERE GOOD FOR AWHILE. EVERYONE SEEMED GENUINELY HAPPY TO SEE US BACK TOGETHER. THERE SEEMED TO BE SOMETHING VERY POWERFUL ABOUT TWO MEN STICKING TOGETHER, BEING COMMITTED TO THE RELATIONSHIP AND TO EACH OTHER, AND BEING “OUT” AS A GAY COUPLE. ESPECIALLY IN THE TIME OF AIDS. PEOPLE RESPECTED US. IT WAS LIKE WE WERE A SYMBOL OF HOPE, AMONG THE HOPELESS. A FORCE OF STABILITY IN AN UNSTABLE COMMUNITY. WE WERE A FAMILY. WE WERE THE FUTURE. WE WERE ALIVE AND HEALTHY AND VISIBLE. I FELT STRONGER WITH PRESTON. STRONGER SOCIALLY. STRONGER POLITICALLY. STRONGER EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND EVEN MEDICALLY.
WE WERE SERO-DIFFERENT. PRESTON WAS NEGATIVE. I WAS POSITIVE. HE HELPED ME FORGET ABOUT MY DISEASE AND I HELPED HIM REMEMBER. WE WERE THE PERFECT COUPLE. BUT THINGS WERE STARTING TO CHANGE.
PRESTON WANTED TO GET MARRIED. HE HAD ALL READY ADDED MY LAST NAME TO HIS AND INTRODUCED ME AS HIS HUSBAND. I WANTED TO GET MARRIED TOO, BUT NOT YET. HE HAD PICKED A DATE THAT WAS ONLY TWO MONTHS AWAY AND BEGAN TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT. I TOLD HIM TWO MONTHS WAS TOO SOON.
I DON’T KNOW WHY HE WAS SO DETERMINED TO GET MARRIED ON THAT DATE. BUT HE WAS. I’VE SINCE LEARNED, THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE, THAT HE MARRIED HIS CURRENT PARTNER ON THAT DATE. I HOPE HE’S HAPPY ALL I KNOW IS THAT AFTER THAT DAY CAME AND WENT OUR LIFE STARTED TO CHANGE. AND NOT FOR THE BETTER.
PRESTON BEGAN PUTTING HIS HAND OVER MY MOUTH DURING SEX. NOT BECAUSE I’M LOUD. JUST BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. IT REALLY DIDN’T BOTHER ME AT FIRST. IT WAS A LOT BETTER THAN BEING BOUND AND GAGGED LIKE HE USED TO DO. SINCE OUR RECONCILIATION OUR SEX LIFE HAD BEEN PRETTY MUCH VOID OF FETISHES. THERE HADN’T BEEN ANY BONDAGE SCENARIOS SINCE PRESTON HAD COME HOME. SUDDENLY, THINGS WE HAD ENJOYED BEFORE WOULD NOW MAKE HIM ANGRY. HE WOULD SCREAM AT ME WHEN WE WERE BEING INTIMATE. “I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT!”
HE WOULD SHOUT AT ME. THEN HE WOULD GET UP AND LEAVE THE ROOM. THINGS THAT HE HAD WANTED ME TO DO BEFORE, HE NOW HATED.
I FELT TERRIBLE. I WAS AFRAID TO TOUCH HIM. IT’S HORRIBLE TO BE SCREAMED AT DURING INTIMATE MOMENTS I CONSIDERED TO BE SACRED. IF HE DIDN’T LIKE SOMETHING HE SHOULD HAVE SAID SO. I CERTAINLY HAD. OUTBURSTS LIKE THAT ARE TASTELESS. I CONSIDERED IT TO BE RUDE AND JUVENILE. BEHAVIOR OF AN ASSHOLE. OR WORSE.
I FELT HATED. NOT LOVED. I WOULD GRIMACE UNDER HIS HAND. I TRIED TO TALK WITH HIM. I WASN’T HAPPY BUT I WANTED TO WORK THINGS OUT. I FIGURED WE COULD NEGOTIATE. EVERYTHING NEGOTIABLE, RIGHT? WRONG! PRESTON WOULDN’T TALK. PRESTON WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING.
PRESTON SUDDENLY LOST HIS SEX DRIVE. HE SAID IT DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. HE JUST DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE. EVER! HE DIDN’T WANT TO BREAK UP. HE WANTED TO REMAIN A COUPLE AND SUGGESTED THAT I GO OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR SEX. I DIDN’T WANT THAT. I WOULDN’T DO THAT. I WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG AND EITHER FIX IT OR MOVE ON.
WHEN IT BECAME CLEAR THAT PRESTON WAS NOT WILLING TO COMPROMISE OR TO WORK THINGS OUT I DECIDED TO SPLIT.
THE TENSION HAD BEEN BUILDING FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. PRESTON HAD MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE WOULD NOT MOVE. SO I WAS MAKING PLANS TO MOVE MYSELF. I WAS GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING. I JUST WANTED OUT. I COULDN’T STAND BEING AROUND PRESTON ANYMORE. HE HAD BECOME SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
I CAN’T DESCRIBE THE ATMOSPHERE IN THAT APARTMENT. IT HAD BECOME COMPLETELY SURREAL. PRESTON WAS ACTING AS IF EVERYTHING WAS FINE. AND BELIEVE ME - HE WAS ACTING. HIS ACT WAS TRANSPARENT. I COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT AND I WAS AFRAID. I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO EXPLODE. EVEN IF HE DIDN’T KNOW IT HIMSELF.
THERE WAS ONE NIGHT IN PARTICULAR I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO KILL ME.
PRESTON AND I HAD BEEN LAYING IN BED HURLING INSULTS AT EACH OTHER IN THE DARK. SUDDENLY, HE GOT OUT OF BED AND WENT INTO THE KITCHEN. HE DIDN’T TURN ON THE LIGHT. HE DIDN’T TURN ON THE WATER. HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. HE JUST STOOD IN THERE. I KNEW HE WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING A KNIFE AND COMING BACK INTO THE BEDROOM AND STABBING ME.
I TOLD MYSELF THAT IF HE HAD HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK OR IF I COULDN’T SEE THEM WHEN HE CAME BACK INTO THE BEDROOM I WOULD SPRING OUT OF BED, HOLD THE BLANKET OVER MY HEAD, AND DIVE OUT THE WINDOW. SOUNDS FAMILIAR DOESN’T IT? ME, PRESTON AND BROKEN WINDOWS. I WAS FLIPPING OUT.
WE HAD JUST SEEN THE BLOODY MURDERS OF RON GOLDMAN AND NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON ON TV. THAT GRUESOME SCENE WAS PLASTERED ALL OVER THE MEDIA. I HADN’T BEEN ABLE TO GET IT OUT OF MY MIND. APPARENTLY, NEITHER COULD PRESTON. HE CAME BACK INTO THE BEDROOM EMPTY HANDED AND TOLD ME HE HAD GONE INTO THE KITCHEN THINKING ABOUT HOW ANGRY O.J. MUST HAVE BEEN IN ORDER TO KILL THOSE TWO PEOPLE. I GOT LUCKY THAT NIGHT. I WOULDN’T BE SO LUCKY THE NEXT TIME.
HIS MOTHER TELLS EVERYBODY WHO IS WILLING TO LISTEN THAT PRESTON KILLED HIS BABY BROTHER. SHE SAYS THAT HE SMOTHERED HIM WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN CRIB. PRESTON SAID HIS BROTHER DIED OF SIDS AND THAT HIS MOTHER JUST SAYS THAT TO BE CRUEL. SHE IS CRUEL AND I NEVER BELIEVED HER BEFORE. BUT NOW I DO. SOON, I WOULD KNOW HOW THAT BABY MUST HAVE FELT. I WOULD BE HELPLESS. I WOULD BE SMOTHERED IN MY OWN BED. AND I WOULD BE RAPED. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I WOULD SURVIVE. SLOWLY...
MY MEMORIES OF WHAT HAPPENED ARE CLOUDY. BLURRY. THEY DRIFT. THEY’RE SLOW AND FAST. THEY’RE OUT OF SYNC. THEY’RE SCATTERED. LOOSE. UNABLE TO COAGULATE. CLOSE UP AND FAR AWAY. WEAK. LIGHT. LIKE THEY COULD BLOW AWAY IN THE WIND. BUT THEY HAVEN’T.
I WAS ASLEEP. BY THE TIME I WOKE UP MY HANDS HAD ALL READY BEEN TIED. NOT BEHIND MY BACK, LIKE HE USED TO DO, BUT IN FRONT. MY PALMS WERE TOGETHER, LIKE I HAD BEEN PRAYING. I SOON WOULD BE. HE ROLLED ME OVER. FACE DOWN, SO I WAS LAYING ON MY HANDS. THEY WERE PRESSED INTO MY CHEST, COMPRESSING IT. WITHIN A SECOND MY FEET WERE BOUND WITH ROPE AND HE HAD SHOVED SOMETHING INTO MY MOUTH AND DOWN MY THROAT. THEN HE TIED A BANDANNA OVER MY MOUTH AND PULLED IT UP SO IT ALSO COVERED MY NOSE. I COULDN’T BREATH AND I WAS GAGGING. I WAS GOING TO VOMIT. I KNEW IF I DID I WOULD PROBABLY DIE. I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE CHOKING ON MY OWN VOMIT.
HE HAD CUT THE ROPE INTO VARYING LENGTHS AND HE MOVED WITH SUPERNATURAL SPEED. I DIDN’T HAVE A CHANCE. HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING.
HE PULLED ME DOWN. HALF ON AND HALF OFF THE BED. HE SPREAD MY LEGS APART WITH HIS HANDS AND BEGAN TALKING ABOUT MY ASSHOLE.
I WAS STRUGGLING, BUT THERE WAS REALLY NOTHING I COULD DO. I COULD SHAKE MY HEAD AND ROCK MY BODY, SIDE TO SIDE, BUT NOT MUCH. THIS HAD HAPPENED IN A MATTER OF SECONDS. LESS THAN A MINUTE BEFORE I HAD BEEN SOUND ASLEEP. NOW HE WAS RAPING ME.
HE KEPT TELLING MY TO RELAX. HE TOLD ME TO MEDITATE. I WAS TRYING TO SCREAM BUT NO ONE COULD HEAR ME. I WAS SHAKING MY HEAD - NO! NONE OF IT MATTERED. WHEN HE GOT TIRED OF MY MUFFLED SCREAMS HE WOULD PUT HIS HAND OVER MY NOSE UNTIL I LOST CONSCIOUSNESS. THIS HAPPENED SEVERAL TIMES UNTIL I IMPLODED. I LEFT THE BUILDING. I DISAPPEARED.
I SUPPOSE IT ENDED AS QUICKLY AS IT BEGAN. I DON’T REMEMBER. I KNOW THAT HE STOPPED. THAT HE UNTIED ME. I TOOK THE GAG OUT OF MY MOUTH MYSELF AND SAW THAT IT WAS A PAIR OF MY OWN DIRTY UNDERWEAR. I REMEMBER GETTING UP AND GOING INTO THE BATHROOM. MY RECTUM WAS BLEEDING AND MY HANDS WERE BLUE. I PROBABLY TOOK A SHOWER BUT IF I DID I DON’T REMEMBER. I JUST REMEMBER GOING BACK TO BED.
I DON’T THINK I SAID A WORD. I WASN’T COMPLETELY THERE ANYMORE. I DIDN’T COME COMPLETELY BACK. MOST OF WHO I WAS REMAINED HIDDEN. I STAYED OUTSIDE. I JUST PRETENDED TO BE THERE. I HAD SEPARATED MYSELF FROM MY BODY.
I WAS STILL CONNECTED BUT I HAD LEARNED TO BE TWO PLACES AT ONCE. I WOULD TRAVEL OUTSIDE OF MY BODY ONCE AGAIN BEFORE I WOULD FINALLY BE FREE OF PRESTON.
Part IV
IT WOULD BE OVER A YEAR BEFORE I WOULD SEE OR HEAR FROM PRESTON AGAIN. BUT THE ATTACKS CONTINUED. NOT PHYSICALLY BUT PSYCHICALLY. I WAS OVER HIM. HE WAS NOT THROUGH WITH ME. I PUSHED HIM OUT OF MY LIFE AND OUT OF MY MIND. EVEN SO I WAS STILL VERY MUCH A PART OF HIS OBSESSION. JUST LIKE BEFORE AFTER OUR FIRST BREAKUP HIS PRESENCE WOULD SUDDENLY ENTER MY MINDS EYE. I COULD FEEL HIS PRESENCE IN THE ROOM. IT WASN’T A MEMORY TRIGGERED BY A SONG OR A BOTTLE OF BOURBON. BUT A PRESENCE. HE WAS PROJECTING HIMSELF INTO MY WORLD. IT WAS AN ABILITY WE ONCE CONSIDERED TO BE A GIFT. NOW IT WAS A CURSE. NEITHER ONE OF US HAD SAID A WORD TO EACH OTHER FOR OVER A YEAR. BUT HE NEW THAT I KNEW THAT HE WASN’T GIVING UP. ONLY THIS TIME I DIDN’T WANT IT AND I DIDN’T NEED IT. I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO LEAD AN ATTACK. IT WOULD BEGIN IMMEDIATELY. SPIRITUALLY I MUST HAVE BEEN READY. SOMETIMES OUR BODIES PROTECT OUT SPIRITS AND SOMETIMES OUR SPIRITS PROTECT OUT BODIES.
BEFORE, I HAD HIDDEN MY SPIRIT AND FOUGHT WITH MY BODY. NOW MY SPIRIT WAS PLAYING OFFENSE. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN. I PERFORMED A PHYSICAL ACT IN AN INVISIBLE REALM. I SPONTANEOUSLY AND UNINTENTIONALLY ASTRAL PROJECTED. I WAS SITTING ON THE END OF MY BED.
THE SAME EXACT SPOT WHERE PRESTON HAD RAPED ME. I HAD MY HEAD IN MY HANDS AND I FELT AS THOUGH I WERE BEING PULLED DOWN INTO A DEEP, DARK, BOTTOMLESS PIT. SUDDENLY, WITH NO CONSCIOUS ACT ON MY PART I FOUND MYSELF LOOKING DOWN ON MY BODY. THERE I WAS SITTING ON THE FOOT OF THE BED WITH MY HEAD IN MY HANDS. THE ROOM WAS WELL LIT AND THE BLINDS ON MY WINDOW WERE SHUT. EVERYTHING “LOOKED” AND “FELT” COMPLETELY “NORMAL” EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I WAS FLOATING ABOVE MY PHYSICAL BODY AND THERE WAS WHAT APPEARED TO BE A BLACK CORD WRAPPED AROUND MY CHEST. MOVING LIKE A TORNADO I UNWRAPPED “MYSELF” AND CONTINUED PUSHING THE CORD AWAY. I SHOVED THE CORD OUT OF MY ROOM. THROUGH THE CLOSED WINDOW AND CONTINUED RIGHT DOWN AND OVER SANTA MONICA BLVD. I REMINDED MYSELF OF SUPERMAN PUSHING THE SPEEDING COMET BACK OUT INTO OUTER SPACE TO SAVE THE PLANET. THIS, HOWEVER, WAS NOT A MOVIE. I REALLY WAS FLYING OVER THE TREE TOPS. OVER THE STREET LIGHTS. I COULD SEE THE BOULEVARD BELOW TIGHT WITH HEAVY TRAFFIC. I WAS NO LONGER ANGRY. NO LONGER DEPRESSED. NO LONGER A VICTIM. I WAS MYSELF AGAIN. MY PUREST SELF. NO LONGER AFRAID TO FLY. I KNEW WHO HELD THE OTHER END OF THAT BLACK CORD AND I WAS SENDING IT BACK. BACK INTO THE DARKNESS FROM WHENCE IT CAME.
I PUSHED THIS NOW TIMID ENERGY RIGHT THROUGH PRESTON’S FRONT DOOR. THROUGH HIS LIVING ROOM AND INTO HIS BEDROOM. I SAW HIM SITTING AT A DESK WITH A PEN IN HIS HAND AND A TABLET OF PAPER ON THE DESKTOP.
HE WASN’T WRITING. THERE WAS NOTHING ON THE PAPER. HE WAS JUST STARRING INTO SPACE. I DOVE DOWN, LIKE A KAMIKAZE, AND PUSHED THE DARK CORD RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF HIS NECK. I WAS SURPRISED HE DIDN’T SEE ME. I TRIED MOVING THE PAPERS ON HIS DESK. I TRIED SHAKING HIM. I TRIED MOVING HIS CHAIR. HE DIDN’T SEEM TO NOTICE. I DIDN’T CARE. MY TASK HAD BEEN COMPLETED. AS QUICKLY AS IT BEGAN I SNAPPED BACK INTO MY ROOM LIKE A RUBBER BAND. I OPENED MY EYES AND I WAS HOME. MY HEAD WAS STILL IN MY HANDS AND I WAS AT PEACE. I WONDERED WHAT HAD REALLY HAPPENED. DID I FALL ASLEEP? DID I IMAGINE TRAVELLING THROUGH SPACE? I DIDN’T CARE. THIS TIME I KNEW IT WAS FINALLY OVER. I SLEPT SOUNDLY THAT NIGHT. I DREAMT OF ANGELS SURROUNDING MY BED. STANDING GUARD. PROTECTING ME. MY BIGGEST SURPRISE CAME THE FOLLOWING DAY WHEN THE PHONE RANG AROUND 6 PM. IT WAS PRESTON. “HI, MARK. IT’S PRESTON. I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU. I TRIED WRITING YOU A LETTER LAST NIGHT BUT I JUST COULDN’T GET IT RIGHT SO I DECIDED TO CALL YOU INSTEAD.” OH MY GOD! I THOUGH TO MYSELF. “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I ASKED. “I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE RING I GAVE YOU BACK. WHEN I GAVE IT TO YOU I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. SINCE THAT’S NOT THE CASE. I WANT IT BACK.”
HE WANTED THE RING! PRESTON HAD GIVEN ME A RING ONE YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS AND NOW HE WANTED IT BACK. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO WRITE WHEN I WAS IN HIS ROOM!
I WAS CONVINCED MY EPISODE FROM THE PREVIOUS NIGHT WAS NOW INDEPENDENTLY CONFIRMED. I WANTED TO ASK HIM IF HE HAD SEEN ME OR IF HE HAD SENSED ME IN HIS ROOM. COULD HE TELL I HAD FREED MYSELF FROM THE BLACK CORD? I DIDN’T MENTION ANY OF IT. “SURE, PRESTON,” I ANSWERED, ”YOU CAN HAVE THE RING BACK. I DON’T WANT IT. I’LL SEND IT TO YOU TOMORROW.” HE THANKED ME. MUMBLED SOME SMALL TALK. THEN SAID “I’LL SEE YOU SOON.”
I JUST SHOOK MY HEAD AND HUNG UP THE PHONE. “GOODBYE PRESTON.”
finale:
IT’S BEEN SEVERAL YEARS SINCE THAT AWFUL TIME. I HAVE FORGIVEN PRESTON AND I HAVE FORGIVEN MYSELF. I RELEASE US BOTH TO THE HOLY SPIRIT. I HAVE WORKED THROUGH MY RESENTMENT AND MY ANGER AND SEE IT ALL AS A PREPARATION FOR MY AWAKENING. MY MISSION NOW IS TO HELP OTHERS WHO MIGHT FIND THEMSELVES IN SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES. I PLEDGE TO REMAIN AWAKE AND ACCEPT MYSELF AS GOD CREATED ME. I PRAY TO BECOME CONSCIOUS OF HIS PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. TO REMEMBER HIS WILL FOR ME AND FOR THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT.
I WANT TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME AND SAY JUST THE RIGHT THING TO JUST THE RIGHT PERSON. I WANT TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. I THINK BY LIVING THE LIFE I HAVE LIVED I CAN MAKE AN ORIGINAL CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD THAT ONLY I CAN MAKE. AND SO CAN YOU...
iMarko
copyright 1998
WE MET IN A DOORWAY. HE WAS COMING IN AND I WAS GOING OUT. OUR EYES MET AND IT FELT LIKE MAGIC. I LOST MY BREATH AND STOPPED IN MY TRACKS. I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE IF I STOOD THERE LONG ENOUGH HE WOULD TURN AROUND AND COME OUT. HE MUST HAVE FELT WHAT I FELT. IT WAS A PSYCHIC RECOGNITION. LIKE WE HAD KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A LONG, LONG, TIME. I WOULD NOT LEAVE WITHOUT MEETING HIM. I KNEW THAT I COULD NOT LET THIS ONE GET AWAY.
WHEN HE DIDN’T COME OUT I WENT BACK IN AND POSITIONED MYSELF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. I TRIED NOT TO BE OBVIOUS, BUT I WAS. I THOUGHT THAT HE LOOKED LIKE HE MIGHT BE MEAN. MY INSTINCTS ARE ALMOST ALWAYS RIGHT. I DISMISSED THE THOUGHT.
HE ASKED ME WHAT MY NAME WAS AND CAME HOME WITH ME THAT NIGHT. MY LIFE WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME.
THE FOLLOWING NIGHT I GOT HOME FROM WORK AROUND 11:30 PM. I GOT UNDRESSED AND BEGAN LISTENING TO THE MESSAGES I HAD RECEIVED THAT DAY. THE FIRST TWO MESSAGES WERE FROM FRIENDS JUST CALLING TO SAY HELLO. THE THIRD MESSAGE WAS FROM PRESTON. “THERE’S A SURPRISE FOR YOU OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR. GO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.”
THE MESSAGE GAVE ME THE CREEPS. I FELT AS THOUGH I WERE BEING WATCHED. BUT, I HAD TO LOOK. I HADN’T NOTICED ANYTHING UNUSUAL ON MY WAY IN. WHAT COULD I HAVE MISSED? WHAT COULD BE OUT THERE? I WENT TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKED OUT. PRESTON WAS STANDING THERE. IN THE DARK. HOLDING A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS. I DIDN’T KNOW IT YET BUT HE KNEW JUST HOW TO CONCEAL HIS MADNESS. JUST LIKE THE BIG BAD WOLF DID TO LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. BUT, THIS WAS NO FAIRY TALE. THIS WAS MY LIFE.
HOW SWEET, I THOUGHT. THIS GUY MUST REALLY LIKE ME. IT HAD BEEN SEVERAL YEARS SINCE MY LAST REAL RELATIONSHIP. FOR THE FIRST TIME, IN A LONG TIME, I FELT THAT FINALLY SOMEONE THAT I WAS INTERESTED IN WAS JUST AS INTERESTED IN ME. I ASKED HIM IN AND WE SPENT ANOTHER WONDERFUL NIGHT TOGETHER. WE IMMEDIATELY BECAME INSEPARABLE AND AFTER THREE MONTHS OF NEVER BEING APART I “OFFICIALLY” ASKED HIM TO MOVE IN.
HE WAS CHARMING. HE WAS BEAUTIFUL. HE WAS FUNNY. AND HE WAS VERY NICE. “I’M SO LUCKY” I TOLD MYSELF. “NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I’LL NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT HIM. I’LL ALWAYS BE HIS FRIEND”
IT WASN’T LONG AFTER HE OFFICIALLY MOVED IN THAT I DISCOVERED THAT PRESTON WAS INTO BONDAGE. HE LOVED TO TIE ME UP. HE WOULD GET SO EXITED BY IT THAT I INITIALLY FOUND IT TO BE RATHER AMUSING.
HE HAD A SUBSCRIPTION TO “BOUND AND GAGGED” MAGAZINE AND HE LIKED TO ACT OUT THE SCENES AND SCENARIOS THAT WERE DESCRIBED IN THE “TRUE LIFE STORY” SECTION. I DIDN’T MIND. IT WAS FUN. I LIKED BEING ABLE TO PLEASE HIM SO MUCH. IT STARTED OFF SLOW AND GRADUALLY BEGAN TO EXPAND. HE WOULD RESTRAIN ME MORE AND MORE AS TIME WENT ON. I WAS PRETTY GOOD AT GETTING LOOSE AND IT BEGAN TO INFURIATE HIM WHENEVER I WOULD FREE MYSELF AND TURN THE TABLES. TO ME IT WAS A GAME. SOMETHING TO PLAY FOR FUN, EXCITEMENT, AND VARIETY. TO PRESTON, IT WAS MUCH, MUCH, MORE. THE RESTRAINTS BEGAN TO GET TIGHTER AND MORE ELABORATE. HE BEGAN TO GAG ME AND BLINDFOLD MY EYES. EVENTUALLY, HE REFUSED TO HAVE SEX ANY OTHER WAY. HE BEGAN TO VERBALLY INSULT ME AND HUMILIATE ME IN THE BEDROOM AND THEN ACT AS THOUGH I WAS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE DURING THE DAY.
WE CONTINUED TO HAVE IT HIS WAY EVEN THOUGH I WAS BECOMING MORE AND MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. IT WASN’T FUN FOR ME ANYMORE BUT I STILL LOVED HIM. I WANTED OUR RELATIONSHIP TO LAST. I HAD TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE HIV VIRUS ONLY THREE MONTHS BEFORE I MET PRESTON. I DIDN’T THINK I WAS GOING TO LIVE VERY MUCH LONGER AND I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE ALONE.
I ALSO DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE HIV SPEECH EVERY TIME I WANTED TO SLEEP WITH SOMEBODY. I WAS WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK.
THIS WAS 1991. MOST OF MY FRIENDS HAD ALREADY DIED. MY NEW FRIENDS WERE GETTING SICK. I WAS DEPRESSED. I WAS TERRIFIED. I FELT HELPLESS. PRESTON WAS NOT INFECTED. I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE HIM. I STARTED TO DRINK - A LOT. AND USE DRUGS - A LITTLE. JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP MY MIND AND SPIRIT FROM BEING CLEAR ABOUT WHAT WAS REALLY HAPPENING. I HAD LOST TOO MANY FRIENDS AND LOVERS PREMATURELY THROUGH AIDS. I WASN’T ABOUT TO LET THIS RELATIONSHIP END JUST BECAUSE OF SOMEBODY’S NEUROTIC BEHAVIOR. I FELT LIKE THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO OR COULD HAVE DONE TO FIGHT THE 100% FATAL DISEASE OF AIDS. I DID THINK THERE WERE THINGS THAT COULD BE DONE TO HELP SOMEBODY WHO WAS JUST FUCKED UP IN THEIR HEAD. UNFORTUNATELY, THINGS JUST KEPT GETTING WORSE.
I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH WHEN ONE SUNDAY AFTERNOON I CAUGHT PRESTON MAKING OUT WITH HIS SO CALLED “FRIEND” LENNY.
I WAS SICK. I HAD THE FLU FROM HELL. I THOUGHT I MIGHT POSSIBLY BE DYING. I WANTED PRESTON TO STAY HOME AND HANG OUT WITH ME. HE WANTED TO GO OUT. HE MADE PLANS TO MEET SOME FRIENDS AT THE FAULTLINE FOR THEIR SUNDAY BEERBUST. HE SAID I COULD COME WITH HIM, BUT, I WAS TOO SICK. HE LEFT AND I GOT STONED.
SUDDENLY, I BEGAN TO FEEL A LOT BETTER. I GOT IN THE CAR AND DROVE TO THE BAR. WHAT THE FUCK. IF I’M GOING TO DIE I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS I CAN. BESIDES, THE FRESH AIR WILL DO ME GOOD.
THE FAULTLINE HAS AN OUTDOOR PATIO AND IT WAS A NICE DAY. WHEN I GOT THERE I SAW PRESTON AND LENNY MAKING OUT, HEAVILY, IN THE BACK OF THE PATIO.
PRESTON HAD JUST GOTTEN HIS NIPPLE PIERCED, WITHOUT TELLING ME, AND I WASN’T ALLOWED TO TOUCH IT. IT WAS NOT HEALING PROPERLY AND WAS PAINFUL TO PRESTON WHENEVER I TOUCHED IT. BUT, THERE WAS LENNY, PULLING AND TWISTING ON THE RING WHILE PRESTON MOANED, “OH, YEAH!” HIS ENTIRE CHEST WAS BLACK AND BLUE. I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN THAT I FELT.
FIRST, I WANTED TO FIGHT. THEN, I WANTED TO RUN. I DIDN’T DO EITHER. I WALKED RIGHT UP TO HIM AND JUST STOOD THERE. LIKE I HAD DONE THE FIRST NIGHT WE MET. HE SAW ME AND SAID “OH HI, HONEY.” LIKE HE WAS EXPECTING ME. I LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AND TOLD HIM IT WAS OVER. “GOOD BYE, PRESTON.” I SAID. THEN I TURNED AROUND AND LEFT. MY HEART WAS BROKEN.
LATER THAT NIGHT, AFTER PRESTON GOT HOME, I UNLEASHED MY FURY. I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER BEEN SO BRUTAL AND SO ELOQUENT AT THE SAME TIME. EVERY WORD WAS PERFECT. MY ATTACK WAS BRILLIANT. I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY.
I KNEW HOW TO HURT HIM. IF HE LIKED PAIN HE MUST HAVE BEEN IN HEAVEN. I WANTED TO HURT HIM. I WANTED HIM TO UNDERSTAND FULLY THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS. IT WAS WORKING.
HE LOOKED PATHETIC. HIS MOUTH WAS HANGING OPEN. THE BLOOD WAS DRAINING FROM HIS FACE. I THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE GOING TO PASS OUT. HE DIDN’T.
THE NEXT THING I KNEW HE WAS STANDING OVER ME. I WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH AND SUDDENLY HE WAS STRADDLING MY LEGS. HE RAISED HIS RIGHT HAND AND HIT ME IN THE FACE. WITH THE BACK OF HIS HAND. BEFORE I COULD GET UP HE HIT ME AGAIN. THIS TIME WITH THE BACK OF HIS LEFT HAND. HARD. I NEW I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE APARTMENT. MY WHOLE HEAD WAS NUMB AND I TASTED BLOOD.
I JUST WANTED TO GET TO THE FRONT DOOR. ALL I HAD ON WAS MY UNDERWEAR. I LUNGED FORWARD. PUSHING HIM BACK. BUT, BEFORE I COULD GET AROUND HIM HE HIT ME AGAIN. THIS TIME WITH HIS FIST. THE FORCE WAS SO HARD THAT I WAS KNOCKED INTO AND THROUGH OUR FRONT PICTURE WINDOW. I WAS HANGING HALF IN AND HALF OUT OF THE FUCKING WINDOW! MY RIGHT HAND AND THE TOP HALF OF MY BODY, INCLUDING MY HEAD, HAD BROKEN THROUGH THE GLASS. NOW, NOT ONLY DID I TASTE BLOOD, I SAW IT. EVERYWHERE. IT WAS DRIPPING DOWN FROM SOMEWHERE ON MY FACE. MY HAND WAS CUT, BADLY. THERE WAS A SHARD OF GLASS STICKING OUT OF THE PALM OF MY HAND.
I ALMOST CONTINUED TO CLIMB ALL OF THE WAY OUT OF THE WINDOW.
I WAS AFRAID TO PULL MYSELF BACK INSIDE. THERE WERE STILL SHARDS OF SHARP BROKEN GLASS ALL AROUND THE TOP HALF OF MY BODY AND I WAS DIZZY.
LUCKILY, THE SIGHT AND SOUND OF MY FALLING THROUGH THE GLASS MUST HAVE FRIGHTENED PRESTON. I SENSED THAT HE HAD BACKED OFF SO I SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY PULLED MYSELF BACK THROUGH THE BROKEN WINDOW, BACK INTO OUR LIVING ROOM, AND OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.
THE NEXT THING I REMEMBER IS KNEELING DOWN IN FRONT OF A WATER FAUCET AND TRYING TO WASH THE BLOOD OFF MY FACE. BUT, MY HAND WAS BLEEDING, TOO. I NEEDED A BANDAGE. I NEEDED HELP. I WANTED TO GET INTO MY CAR AND DRIVE AWAY BUT MY KEYS WERE IN MY PANTS AND MY PANTS WERE INSIDE OF THE APARTMENT. I WAS PISSED. I WAS BLEEDING. I WAS NEARLY NAKED. I DIDN’T DARE GO BACK INSIDE. NOT BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID. I JUST DIDN’T WANT HIM TO FEEL MY PRESENCE NEAR HIM EVER AGAIN. THE SACRED BOND WE HAD SHARED HAD BEEN SEVERED. THE SEVERANCE WAS AS REAL AND AS TANGIBLE IN THE PHYSICAL SENSE AS WERE ANY OF THE CUTS ON MY BODY. AND TEN TIMES MORE PAINFUL. I STARTED TO CRY AND I STARTED TO WALK. NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR. JUST AWAY. AWAY FROM HIM. AWAY FROM EVERYTHING. I HAD BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH. FIRST HIV, AND NOW THIS.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, WE BROKE UP. PRESTON MOVED TO SAN FRANCISCO AND I GOT ON WITH MY LIFE. OR, SO, I THOUGHT. I WOULDN’T HAVE BELIEVED IT THEN, BUT WE WOULD BE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN WITHIN A YEAR. AND THINGS WOULD GET WORSE. MUCH WORSE.
Part II
IT WAS RIGHT FOR ME TO LEAVE HIM. BUT, IT DIDN’T MAKE ME HAPPY. I FELT LIKE A FAILURE. NOTHING WAS GOING RIGHT. PRESTON WAS GONE. WE HAD SEPARATED OURSELVES BY DISTANCE. BUT I COULD STILL FEEL HIS PRESENCE. HE WAS STILL BREATHING RIGHT DOWN MY NECK AND I HATED IT. NO MATTER WHAT I DID I COULDN’T GET RID OF HIM HIS FACE WAS IMPLANTED IN MY MIND LIKE A HOLOGRAPHIC IMAGE. PERFECT IN EVERY DETAIL. HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. SOMETIMES I COULD EVEN SMELL HIM!
I TRIED EVERYTHING I COULD TO OCCUPY MY MIND. TO FORGET ABOUT HIM. I WORKED SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. I READ EVERY BOOK I COULD FIND BY DEPAK CHOPRA AND MARIANNE WILLIAMSON AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAD BOOKS AT THE BODHI TREE BOOK STORE. I LEARNED AND BEGAN TO PRACTICE TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION. I DATED. I CHANGED MY DIET. I WORKED OUT. I WENT SHOPPING. NOTHING WORKED. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN GETTING BETTER. BUT, I WASN’T. I CRIED UNCONTROLLABLY. I FELT PHYSICALLY SICK. I WOULD DOUBLE OVER IN AGONY. SOMETIMES I WOULD FIND MYSELF CURLED UP TIGHT, IN A FETAL POSITION, SCREAMING.
SOMETHING WAS WRONG. TERRIBLY WRONG. I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING MY MIND. OR WORSE. I KNEW. I KNEW, SOMETHING TERRIBLE WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AND I COULD NOT STOP IT. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAD CHANGED. BUT, IT WAS FAR FROM OVER. EVEN IF HE WOULD HAVE KILLED ME IT WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN OVER.
HE NEEDED ME. HIS SURVIVAL, AND POSSIBLY MINE, DEPENDED ON A REUNIFICATION. THAT’S WHAT I CAME TO BELIEVE. I HAD BEEN BROKEN.
I RETURNED ONE OF HIS PHONE CALLS. I DIDN’T SAY MUCH. I CERTAINLY DIDN’T TALK ABOUT WHAT HAD BEEN HAPPENING TO ME. I DIDN’T HAVE TO. I HAD BLINKED. I HAD THROWN THE BALL BACK INTO HIS COURT. AND THAT WAS ALL HE NEEDED. WITHOUT ACTUALLY SAYING THE WORDS I HAD GIVEN HIM PERMISSION. PERMISSION FOR WHAT? I DIDN’T EXACTLY KNOW. BUT I HAD CRACKED OPEN THE DOOR. A DOOR THAT SHOULD HAVE REMAINED SECURELY LOCKED. HE HAD GOTTEN ME TO OPEN THE DOOR ONCE BEFORE. NOW, HE HAD DONE IT AGAIN.
THIS TIME I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. I DID KNOW BETTER! BUT, I WAS POSSESSED. AND I WAS BEING SUMMONED. SUMMONED FROM A PLACE OF SUCH DARKNESS THAT I DIDN’T SEE IT. I WILLINGLY BEGAN TO OBEY. I TOLD HIM I WOULD BE COMING TO SAN FRANCISCO TO ATTEND THE FOLSOM STREET FAIR. MAYBE I WOULD SEE HIM THERE. “YEAH,” HE SAID. “I’LL BE THERE, TOO.”
SUDDENLY, I FELT A SENSE OF PURPOSE. I HAD A GOAL. SOMETHING TO WORK TOWARDS. I GOT EXCITED. I BEGAN TO FEEL BETTER. MAYBE WE CAN WORK THIS THING OUT? MAYBE HE’S BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH?
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST FORGIVE HIM? SURELY, HE’LL SEE THAT OUR LIFE TOGETHER WAS BETTER THAN ANYTHING HE HAD EVER HAD BEFORE. I’LL MAKE HIM WANT TO GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER. ONCE HE SEES ME AGAIN HE’LL REMEMBER HOW POWERFUL WE WERE TOGETHER. HE’LL BEG ME TO BRING HIM BACK HOME. MAYBE, I’LL LET HIM. BUT ONLY UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS. I FELT LIKE I WAS FINALLY BACK IN CONTROL. I WAS WRONG, AGAIN. I IGNORED THAT VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD THAT SAID “DON’T GO!” I HAVE ALWAYS LISTENED TO THAT VOICE. IT WAS ALWAYS RIGHT. IT STILL IS. I HAVE ALWAYS RELIED ON THAT VOICE FOR GUIDANCE AND PROTECTION. IT HAD NEVER LED ME IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. BUT, I IGNORED IT. INSTEAD, I SEEMED TO BE FOLLOWING A SCRIPT. LINE BY LINE. PAGE BY PAGE. ONE THAT I THOUGHT I WAS WRITING. I WASN’T.
WE AGREED TO MEET ON THE CORNER OF CASTRO AND MARKET. WHEN I ARRIVED IN SAN FRANCISCO I BOOKED A ROOM AT THE METRO HOTEL AND WALKED THE MILE AND A HALF TO WHERE MARKET AND CASTRO INTERSECT. PRESTON WAS THERE. WAITING. HE HAD SUMMONED ME AND I HAD COME. WE SPENT THE DAY TOGETHER HANGING OUT ON FOLSOM STREET AND TALKED ABOUT OUR DIFFERENCES.
IT WAS EASY TO CONSIDER OUR DIFFERENCES TO APPEAR MINOR IN A CROWD AS “DIVERSE” AS THE ONE WE WERE APART OF.
HE SAID HE WAS SORRY. THAT IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT. HE HAD BEEN GOING TO COUNSELING. HE SAID EVERYTHING HE KNEW I NEEDED TO HEAR. I TOLD HIM THAT I DIDN’T TRUST HIM ANYMORE. I DIDN’T THINK HE WOULD BE HAPPY WITHOUT LIVING OUT HIS BONDAGE FANTASIES. HE TOLD ME THAT IT WASN’T IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR IT TO RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP. I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO FUCK HIM MORE AND THAT I WANTED HIM TO GIVE ME MORE HEAD. HE SAID THAT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT WITH HIM. IF HE WAS TO COME BACK I WANTED IT TO BE ON MY TERMS. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT HIM SEEING OR TALKING TO LENNY. HE AGREED. OF COURSE, HE AGREED TO EVERYTHING.
WE WENT BACK TO THE METRO HOTEL THAT NIGHT AND MADE LOVE. REAL LOVE. HOT, PASSIONATE, “REGULAR” SEX. I EVEN GOT HIM OFF. WHICH WAS RARE UNLESS I WAS TIED UP. WE FELL ASLEEP IN EACH OTHERS ARMS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE HE HAD THROWN ME THROUGH THE WINDOW. I WAS CONVINCES HE HAD CHANGED. PRESTON WAS COMING HOME.
IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG TO MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS. PRESTON GOT HIS OLD JOB BACK SELLING LINENS AT STROUDS. I WENT BACK UP TO SAN FRANCISCO AND RENTED A U-HAUL. WE PUT HIS FEW POSSESSIONS IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK AND HEADED HOME. HE DROVE THE WHOLE WAY.
MY FRIENDS HAD BEEN SUPPORTIVE WHEN I TOLD THEM PRESTON AND I WERE GETTING BACK TOGETHER. I COULD TELL THEY DIDN’T THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA. BUT, THEY RESPECTED MY DECISION AND LET ME KNOW THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. IT WAS AS IF THEY KNEW I WOULD NEED THEM LATER. THEY DID NOT KNOW THE DETAILS OF OUR SEX LIVES OR THE EXTENT OF OUR PROBLEMS. I HAD SPARED THEM THE GORY DETAILS, BUT THEY COULD SENSE THINGS WEREN’T AS THEY APPEARED. HE COULD NOT FOOL THEM THE WAY HE FOOLED ME. LATER, THEY WOULD SCOLD ME FOR NOT BEING COMPLETELY HONEST WITH THEM. THEY SAID IF THEY HAD KNOWN WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THEY WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SO WILLING TO ACCEPT HIM BACK INTO MY LIFE. THEY STILL DON’T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY. NOBODY DOES.
Part III
THINGS WERE GOOD FOR AWHILE. EVERYONE SEEMED GENUINELY HAPPY TO SEE US BACK TOGETHER. THERE SEEMED TO BE SOMETHING VERY POWERFUL ABOUT TWO MEN STICKING TOGETHER, BEING COMMITTED TO THE RELATIONSHIP AND TO EACH OTHER, AND BEING “OUT” AS A GAY COUPLE. ESPECIALLY IN THE TIME OF AIDS. PEOPLE RESPECTED US. IT WAS LIKE WE WERE A SYMBOL OF HOPE, AMONG THE HOPELESS. A FORCE OF STABILITY IN AN UNSTABLE COMMUNITY. WE WERE A FAMILY. WE WERE THE FUTURE. WE WERE ALIVE AND HEALTHY AND VISIBLE. I FELT STRONGER WITH PRESTON. STRONGER SOCIALLY. STRONGER POLITICALLY. STRONGER EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND EVEN MEDICALLY.
WE WERE SERO-DIFFERENT. PRESTON WAS NEGATIVE. I WAS POSITIVE. HE HELPED ME FORGET ABOUT MY DISEASE AND I HELPED HIM REMEMBER. WE WERE THE PERFECT COUPLE. BUT THINGS WERE STARTING TO CHANGE.
PRESTON WANTED TO GET MARRIED. HE HAD ALL READY ADDED MY LAST NAME TO HIS AND INTRODUCED ME AS HIS HUSBAND. I WANTED TO GET MARRIED TOO, BUT NOT YET. HE HAD PICKED A DATE THAT WAS ONLY TWO MONTHS AWAY AND BEGAN TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT. I TOLD HIM TWO MONTHS WAS TOO SOON.
I DON’T KNOW WHY HE WAS SO DETERMINED TO GET MARRIED ON THAT DATE. BUT HE WAS. I’VE SINCE LEARNED, THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE, THAT HE MARRIED HIS CURRENT PARTNER ON THAT DATE. I HOPE HE’S HAPPY ALL I KNOW IS THAT AFTER THAT DAY CAME AND WENT OUR LIFE STARTED TO CHANGE. AND NOT FOR THE BETTER.
PRESTON BEGAN PUTTING HIS HAND OVER MY MOUTH DURING SEX. NOT BECAUSE I’M LOUD. JUST BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. IT REALLY DIDN’T BOTHER ME AT FIRST. IT WAS A LOT BETTER THAN BEING BOUND AND GAGGED LIKE HE USED TO DO. SINCE OUR RECONCILIATION OUR SEX LIFE HAD BEEN PRETTY MUCH VOID OF FETISHES. THERE HADN’T BEEN ANY BONDAGE SCENARIOS SINCE PRESTON HAD COME HOME. SUDDENLY, THINGS WE HAD ENJOYED BEFORE WOULD NOW MAKE HIM ANGRY. HE WOULD SCREAM AT ME WHEN WE WERE BEING INTIMATE. “I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT!”
HE WOULD SHOUT AT ME. THEN HE WOULD GET UP AND LEAVE THE ROOM. THINGS THAT HE HAD WANTED ME TO DO BEFORE, HE NOW HATED.
I FELT TERRIBLE. I WAS AFRAID TO TOUCH HIM. IT’S HORRIBLE TO BE SCREAMED AT DURING INTIMATE MOMENTS I CONSIDERED TO BE SACRED. IF HE DIDN’T LIKE SOMETHING HE SHOULD HAVE SAID SO. I CERTAINLY HAD. OUTBURSTS LIKE THAT ARE TASTELESS. I CONSIDERED IT TO BE RUDE AND JUVENILE. BEHAVIOR OF AN ASSHOLE. OR WORSE.
I FELT HATED. NOT LOVED. I WOULD GRIMACE UNDER HIS HAND. I TRIED TO TALK WITH HIM. I WASN’T HAPPY BUT I WANTED TO WORK THINGS OUT. I FIGURED WE COULD NEGOTIATE. EVERYTHING NEGOTIABLE, RIGHT? WRONG! PRESTON WOULDN’T TALK. PRESTON WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING.
PRESTON SUDDENLY LOST HIS SEX DRIVE. HE SAID IT DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. HE JUST DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE. EVER! HE DIDN’T WANT TO BREAK UP. HE WANTED TO REMAIN A COUPLE AND SUGGESTED THAT I GO OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR SEX. I DIDN’T WANT THAT. I WOULDN’T DO THAT. I WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG AND EITHER FIX IT OR MOVE ON.
WHEN IT BECAME CLEAR THAT PRESTON WAS NOT WILLING TO COMPROMISE OR TO WORK THINGS OUT I DECIDED TO SPLIT.
THE TENSION HAD BEEN BUILDING FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. PRESTON HAD MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE WOULD NOT MOVE. SO I WAS MAKING PLANS TO MOVE MYSELF. I WAS GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING. I JUST WANTED OUT. I COULDN’T STAND BEING AROUND PRESTON ANYMORE. HE HAD BECOME SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
I CAN’T DESCRIBE THE ATMOSPHERE IN THAT APARTMENT. IT HAD BECOME COMPLETELY SURREAL. PRESTON WAS ACTING AS IF EVERYTHING WAS FINE. AND BELIEVE ME - HE WAS ACTING. HIS ACT WAS TRANSPARENT. I COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT AND I WAS AFRAID. I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO EXPLODE. EVEN IF HE DIDN’T KNOW IT HIMSELF.
THERE WAS ONE NIGHT IN PARTICULAR I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO KILL ME.
PRESTON AND I HAD BEEN LAYING IN BED HURLING INSULTS AT EACH OTHER IN THE DARK. SUDDENLY, HE GOT OUT OF BED AND WENT INTO THE KITCHEN. HE DIDN’T TURN ON THE LIGHT. HE DIDN’T TURN ON THE WATER. HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. HE JUST STOOD IN THERE. I KNEW HE WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING A KNIFE AND COMING BACK INTO THE BEDROOM AND STABBING ME.
I TOLD MYSELF THAT IF HE HAD HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK OR IF I COULDN’T SEE THEM WHEN HE CAME BACK INTO THE BEDROOM I WOULD SPRING OUT OF BED, HOLD THE BLANKET OVER MY HEAD, AND DIVE OUT THE WINDOW. SOUNDS FAMILIAR DOESN’T IT? ME, PRESTON AND BROKEN WINDOWS. I WAS FLIPPING OUT.
WE HAD JUST SEEN THE BLOODY MURDERS OF RON GOLDMAN AND NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON ON TV. THAT GRUESOME SCENE WAS PLASTERED ALL OVER THE MEDIA. I HADN’T BEEN ABLE TO GET IT OUT OF MY MIND. APPARENTLY, NEITHER COULD PRESTON. HE CAME BACK INTO THE BEDROOM EMPTY HANDED AND TOLD ME HE HAD GONE INTO THE KITCHEN THINKING ABOUT HOW ANGRY O.J. MUST HAVE BEEN IN ORDER TO KILL THOSE TWO PEOPLE. I GOT LUCKY THAT NIGHT. I WOULDN’T BE SO LUCKY THE NEXT TIME.
HIS MOTHER TELLS EVERYBODY WHO IS WILLING TO LISTEN THAT PRESTON KILLED HIS BABY BROTHER. SHE SAYS THAT HE SMOTHERED HIM WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN CRIB. PRESTON SAID HIS BROTHER DIED OF SIDS AND THAT HIS MOTHER JUST SAYS THAT TO BE CRUEL. SHE IS CRUEL AND I NEVER BELIEVED HER BEFORE. BUT NOW I DO. SOON, I WOULD KNOW HOW THAT BABY MUST HAVE FELT. I WOULD BE HELPLESS. I WOULD BE SMOTHERED IN MY OWN BED. AND I WOULD BE RAPED. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I WOULD SURVIVE. SLOWLY...
MY MEMORIES OF WHAT HAPPENED ARE CLOUDY. BLURRY. THEY DRIFT. THEY’RE SLOW AND FAST. THEY’RE OUT OF SYNC. THEY’RE SCATTERED. LOOSE. UNABLE TO COAGULATE. CLOSE UP AND FAR AWAY. WEAK. LIGHT. LIKE THEY COULD BLOW AWAY IN THE WIND. BUT THEY HAVEN’T.
I WAS ASLEEP. BY THE TIME I WOKE UP MY HANDS HAD ALL READY BEEN TIED. NOT BEHIND MY BACK, LIKE HE USED TO DO, BUT IN FRONT. MY PALMS WERE TOGETHER, LIKE I HAD BEEN PRAYING. I SOON WOULD BE. HE ROLLED ME OVER. FACE DOWN, SO I WAS LAYING ON MY HANDS. THEY WERE PRESSED INTO MY CHEST, COMPRESSING IT. WITHIN A SECOND MY FEET WERE BOUND WITH ROPE AND HE HAD SHOVED SOMETHING INTO MY MOUTH AND DOWN MY THROAT. THEN HE TIED A BANDANNA OVER MY MOUTH AND PULLED IT UP SO IT ALSO COVERED MY NOSE. I COULDN’T BREATH AND I WAS GAGGING. I WAS GOING TO VOMIT. I KNEW IF I DID I WOULD PROBABLY DIE. I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE CHOKING ON MY OWN VOMIT.
HE HAD CUT THE ROPE INTO VARYING LENGTHS AND HE MOVED WITH SUPERNATURAL SPEED. I DIDN’T HAVE A CHANCE. HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING.
HE PULLED ME DOWN. HALF ON AND HALF OFF THE BED. HE SPREAD MY LEGS APART WITH HIS HANDS AND BEGAN TALKING ABOUT MY ASSHOLE.
I WAS STRUGGLING, BUT THERE WAS REALLY NOTHING I COULD DO. I COULD SHAKE MY HEAD AND ROCK MY BODY, SIDE TO SIDE, BUT NOT MUCH. THIS HAD HAPPENED IN A MATTER OF SECONDS. LESS THAN A MINUTE BEFORE I HAD BEEN SOUND ASLEEP. NOW HE WAS RAPING ME.
HE KEPT TELLING MY TO RELAX. HE TOLD ME TO MEDITATE. I WAS TRYING TO SCREAM BUT NO ONE COULD HEAR ME. I WAS SHAKING MY HEAD - NO! NONE OF IT MATTERED. WHEN HE GOT TIRED OF MY MUFFLED SCREAMS HE WOULD PUT HIS HAND OVER MY NOSE UNTIL I LOST CONSCIOUSNESS. THIS HAPPENED SEVERAL TIMES UNTIL I IMPLODED. I LEFT THE BUILDING. I DISAPPEARED.
I SUPPOSE IT ENDED AS QUICKLY AS IT BEGAN. I DON’T REMEMBER. I KNOW THAT HE STOPPED. THAT HE UNTIED ME. I TOOK THE GAG OUT OF MY MOUTH MYSELF AND SAW THAT IT WAS A PAIR OF MY OWN DIRTY UNDERWEAR. I REMEMBER GETTING UP AND GOING INTO THE BATHROOM. MY RECTUM WAS BLEEDING AND MY HANDS WERE BLUE. I PROBABLY TOOK A SHOWER BUT IF I DID I DON’T REMEMBER. I JUST REMEMBER GOING BACK TO BED.
I DON’T THINK I SAID A WORD. I WASN’T COMPLETELY THERE ANYMORE. I DIDN’T COME COMPLETELY BACK. MOST OF WHO I WAS REMAINED HIDDEN. I STAYED OUTSIDE. I JUST PRETENDED TO BE THERE. I HAD SEPARATED MYSELF FROM MY BODY.
I WAS STILL CONNECTED BUT I HAD LEARNED TO BE TWO PLACES AT ONCE. I WOULD TRAVEL OUTSIDE OF MY BODY ONCE AGAIN BEFORE I WOULD FINALLY BE FREE OF PRESTON.
Part IV
IT WOULD BE OVER A YEAR BEFORE I WOULD SEE OR HEAR FROM PRESTON AGAIN. BUT THE ATTACKS CONTINUED. NOT PHYSICALLY BUT PSYCHICALLY. I WAS OVER HIM. HE WAS NOT THROUGH WITH ME. I PUSHED HIM OUT OF MY LIFE AND OUT OF MY MIND. EVEN SO I WAS STILL VERY MUCH A PART OF HIS OBSESSION. JUST LIKE BEFORE AFTER OUR FIRST BREAKUP HIS PRESENCE WOULD SUDDENLY ENTER MY MINDS EYE. I COULD FEEL HIS PRESENCE IN THE ROOM. IT WASN’T A MEMORY TRIGGERED BY A SONG OR A BOTTLE OF BOURBON. BUT A PRESENCE. HE WAS PROJECTING HIMSELF INTO MY WORLD. IT WAS AN ABILITY WE ONCE CONSIDERED TO BE A GIFT. NOW IT WAS A CURSE. NEITHER ONE OF US HAD SAID A WORD TO EACH OTHER FOR OVER A YEAR. BUT HE NEW THAT I KNEW THAT HE WASN’T GIVING UP. ONLY THIS TIME I DIDN’T WANT IT AND I DIDN’T NEED IT. I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO LEAD AN ATTACK. IT WOULD BEGIN IMMEDIATELY. SPIRITUALLY I MUST HAVE BEEN READY. SOMETIMES OUR BODIES PROTECT OUT SPIRITS AND SOMETIMES OUR SPIRITS PROTECT OUT BODIES.
BEFORE, I HAD HIDDEN MY SPIRIT AND FOUGHT WITH MY BODY. NOW MY SPIRIT WAS PLAYING OFFENSE. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN. I PERFORMED A PHYSICAL ACT IN AN INVISIBLE REALM. I SPONTANEOUSLY AND UNINTENTIONALLY ASTRAL PROJECTED. I WAS SITTING ON THE END OF MY BED.
THE SAME EXACT SPOT WHERE PRESTON HAD RAPED ME. I HAD MY HEAD IN MY HANDS AND I FELT AS THOUGH I WERE BEING PULLED DOWN INTO A DEEP, DARK, BOTTOMLESS PIT. SUDDENLY, WITH NO CONSCIOUS ACT ON MY PART I FOUND MYSELF LOOKING DOWN ON MY BODY. THERE I WAS SITTING ON THE FOOT OF THE BED WITH MY HEAD IN MY HANDS. THE ROOM WAS WELL LIT AND THE BLINDS ON MY WINDOW WERE SHUT. EVERYTHING “LOOKED” AND “FELT” COMPLETELY “NORMAL” EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I WAS FLOATING ABOVE MY PHYSICAL BODY AND THERE WAS WHAT APPEARED TO BE A BLACK CORD WRAPPED AROUND MY CHEST. MOVING LIKE A TORNADO I UNWRAPPED “MYSELF” AND CONTINUED PUSHING THE CORD AWAY. I SHOVED THE CORD OUT OF MY ROOM. THROUGH THE CLOSED WINDOW AND CONTINUED RIGHT DOWN AND OVER SANTA MONICA BLVD. I REMINDED MYSELF OF SUPERMAN PUSHING THE SPEEDING COMET BACK OUT INTO OUTER SPACE TO SAVE THE PLANET. THIS, HOWEVER, WAS NOT A MOVIE. I REALLY WAS FLYING OVER THE TREE TOPS. OVER THE STREET LIGHTS. I COULD SEE THE BOULEVARD BELOW TIGHT WITH HEAVY TRAFFIC. I WAS NO LONGER ANGRY. NO LONGER DEPRESSED. NO LONGER A VICTIM. I WAS MYSELF AGAIN. MY PUREST SELF. NO LONGER AFRAID TO FLY. I KNEW WHO HELD THE OTHER END OF THAT BLACK CORD AND I WAS SENDING IT BACK. BACK INTO THE DARKNESS FROM WHENCE IT CAME.
I PUSHED THIS NOW TIMID ENERGY RIGHT THROUGH PRESTON’S FRONT DOOR. THROUGH HIS LIVING ROOM AND INTO HIS BEDROOM. I SAW HIM SITTING AT A DESK WITH A PEN IN HIS HAND AND A TABLET OF PAPER ON THE DESKTOP.
HE WASN’T WRITING. THERE WAS NOTHING ON THE PAPER. HE WAS JUST STARRING INTO SPACE. I DOVE DOWN, LIKE A KAMIKAZE, AND PUSHED THE DARK CORD RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF HIS NECK. I WAS SURPRISED HE DIDN’T SEE ME. I TRIED MOVING THE PAPERS ON HIS DESK. I TRIED SHAKING HIM. I TRIED MOVING HIS CHAIR. HE DIDN’T SEEM TO NOTICE. I DIDN’T CARE. MY TASK HAD BEEN COMPLETED. AS QUICKLY AS IT BEGAN I SNAPPED BACK INTO MY ROOM LIKE A RUBBER BAND. I OPENED MY EYES AND I WAS HOME. MY HEAD WAS STILL IN MY HANDS AND I WAS AT PEACE. I WONDERED WHAT HAD REALLY HAPPENED. DID I FALL ASLEEP? DID I IMAGINE TRAVELLING THROUGH SPACE? I DIDN’T CARE. THIS TIME I KNEW IT WAS FINALLY OVER. I SLEPT SOUNDLY THAT NIGHT. I DREAMT OF ANGELS SURROUNDING MY BED. STANDING GUARD. PROTECTING ME. MY BIGGEST SURPRISE CAME THE FOLLOWING DAY WHEN THE PHONE RANG AROUND 6 PM. IT WAS PRESTON. “HI, MARK. IT’S PRESTON. I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU. I TRIED WRITING YOU A LETTER LAST NIGHT BUT I JUST COULDN’T GET IT RIGHT SO I DECIDED TO CALL YOU INSTEAD.” OH MY GOD! I THOUGH TO MYSELF. “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I ASKED. “I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE RING I GAVE YOU BACK. WHEN I GAVE IT TO YOU I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. SINCE THAT’S NOT THE CASE. I WANT IT BACK.”
HE WANTED THE RING! PRESTON HAD GIVEN ME A RING ONE YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS AND NOW HE WANTED IT BACK. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO WRITE WHEN I WAS IN HIS ROOM!
I WAS CONVINCED MY EPISODE FROM THE PREVIOUS NIGHT WAS NOW INDEPENDENTLY CONFIRMED. I WANTED TO ASK HIM IF HE HAD SEEN ME OR IF HE HAD SENSED ME IN HIS ROOM. COULD HE TELL I HAD FREED MYSELF FROM THE BLACK CORD? I DIDN’T MENTION ANY OF IT. “SURE, PRESTON,” I ANSWERED, ”YOU CAN HAVE THE RING BACK. I DON’T WANT IT. I’LL SEND IT TO YOU TOMORROW.” HE THANKED ME. MUMBLED SOME SMALL TALK. THEN SAID “I’LL SEE YOU SOON.”
I JUST SHOOK MY HEAD AND HUNG UP THE PHONE. “GOODBYE PRESTON.”
finale:
IT’S BEEN SEVERAL YEARS SINCE THAT AWFUL TIME. I HAVE FORGIVEN PRESTON AND I HAVE FORGIVEN MYSELF. I RELEASE US BOTH TO THE HOLY SPIRIT. I HAVE WORKED THROUGH MY RESENTMENT AND MY ANGER AND SEE IT ALL AS A PREPARATION FOR MY AWAKENING. MY MISSION NOW IS TO HELP OTHERS WHO MIGHT FIND THEMSELVES IN SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES. I PLEDGE TO REMAIN AWAKE AND ACCEPT MYSELF AS GOD CREATED ME. I PRAY TO BECOME CONSCIOUS OF HIS PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. TO REMEMBER HIS WILL FOR ME AND FOR THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT.
I WANT TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME AND SAY JUST THE RIGHT THING TO JUST THE RIGHT PERSON. I WANT TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. I THINK BY LIVING THE LIFE I HAVE LIVED I CAN MAKE AN ORIGINAL CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD THAT ONLY I CAN MAKE. AND SO CAN YOU...
iMarko
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